The Sorting Hat's Fun
by Cafire
Summary: The Sorting Hat likes to toy with fragile eleven year old's minds. What happens when our favourite characters are sorted. Look at my profile for a link for a trailer. Bellatrix Lestrange nee Black is up!
1. Introduction

**A/N** This came to me late last night and I couldn't sleep until I had it on paper. So here's the introduction…

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Harry Potter, woe is me!

**Introduction**

Just because it's made of cloth doesn't mean it can't have a sense of humour. All his life Harry Potter thought he had made the choice to be put into Gryffindor and not Slytherin. HA! The hat knew all along he would be in Gryffindor, it's magic like that. It just wanted to mess with his head. Now we get to see what happened when our favourite characters were sorted.

Yes, the Sorting Hat likes to toy with fragile eleven year old's minds.

I've got a couple of characters in mind to start with (Dumbledore, Tom, Marauders) but if you have any ideas please let me know!

If you are new to this story, and you want a good impression of what this is all about I advise you start with Luna who is chapter 6, and then look at the other chapters.


	2. Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore

Here's the first chapter ickle auburn haired Albus

**Disclaimer: **I don't own this yadda, yadda, yadda ...

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**Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore**

1st September 1892

"Dumbledore, Albus!"

The auburn haired eleven year old strode confidently up to the stool where the old hat sat. Picking it up, Albus put it on his head.

"Dumbledore? Hmmm…" The hat seemed to be muttering to itself more than Albus. "Well you do seem to be smart enough but you seem to be loyal Hufflepuff material to me."

Poor Albus nearly fell off his seat in shock.

"H-h-hufflepuff?!?! But you said I was smart! Only the rejects end up in Hufflepuff."

"Huh, did I now? Well by smart what I really meant was maybe a little thick in the head, you know one sandwich short of a picnic, an egg short of a dozen, one penny short…"

"Yeah I get the picture," Albus interrupted but the confidence seemed to have faded a little from his voice, "it's just everyone said I was the brave and smart and I just thought I could be in, you know, Gryffindor or something…" his voice trailed off slightly.

"Gryffindor! Well that's quite a high goal right there. Gryffindor, eh? I never really thought of Gryffindor. Well if that's where you want to be, then I guess its GR…"

The Hat prepared to shout before Albus once again cut him off.

"WAIT! Well I guess if you don't think I should be in Gryffindor, and I suppose you do have the four founders in you, so it's your choice" sighed Albus resignedly.

"Well I guess you are smart after all! Yes I do have the founders in me and so if you would just stop interrupting me I will sort you now. So you aren't Hufflepuff but there is some power in there a need to prove yourself. Well aren't I just a doddering old fool? I should have seen this from a mile off. You would just be a perfect Slytherin. All that power would let you go far, maybe even Minister."

"But I don't want to be Minister, I want to be a teacher after…" Albus paused momentarily.

"After you become the most powerful wizard in the world, see told you Slytherin would be good for you. Wait, I'm getting something…"

"Great, now the Hat's using divination on me" mumbled Albus.

The Hat put on a great dramatic, theatrical and, even if it said so itself, a mystical voice, "I see family… I see you protecting them and others… I see love…", the Hat returned to it's normal voice, "Hmmm bravery, love and relatively smart, what house holds those qualities? Well Gryffindor does spring to mind, but we've already ruled that one out. Looks like I'm stumped for once, but there seems to be no other choice. It goes against my better judgement but it looks like," then suddenly for the whole hall to hear, "GRYFFINDOR!"

Albus' bright blue eyes sparkled with happiness as he jumped off the stool and nearly ran to the awaiting table.

The Hat chuckled to himself. He loved this game, what fool would put Albus Dumbledore anywhere but Gryffindor. Oh the joy of messing with young minds.

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**A/N: **Yay first real chapter up! Tell me what you think and thanks to HermioneRose and GryffindorGal87 who commented so fast on the introduction.Hope it lived up to your expectations and if not why not tell me about it in a review? Oh, I'm shameless! I might do Draco or Tom next which will be up whenever I get a break from all this homework, stupid Leaving Cert... grumbles 


	3. Tom Marvolo Riddle

**A/N: **Thanks to all who reviewed (and actually liked, who would've thunk it?) my first chapter. Here's Tom Riddle aka Voldemort. This was kind of hard to write I guess because I can't really imagine Voldemort as a nervous 11 year old. So anyway here it is and kudos to anywaywho can spot the "Gilmore Girls" reference, my other obsession.

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**Tom Marvolo Riddle**

1st September 1938

"Riddle, Tom!" As his name was called out no whispers were made, there were no expectant stares as the currently unknown orphan walked up to the chair. Before the tattered old hat was put on his head he cast a despising look around three of the house tables before his gaze settled on the final one, Slytherin. Through his reading he knew this was the house he was destined to be in. And he was going to make bloody well sure that that was were he was going to be. 

"Ah, Mr. Riddle how nice of you to join u…" the Hat started to say before Tom cut him off.

"Right now look here. You might be magical and all, but I'm special. I'm going to show this school who I am and what I can do. To do this I have to be in Slytherin, and no manky old hat is going to stop me. I'm going to be the best thing that ever happened to this world, it's my destiny. So just shout Slytherin and I can get on my way." Tom's voice was strong and demanding with the tone of one used to getting his own way through fear.

"Right. Well since you asked so nicely. But for arguments sake lets have a look in that mind of yours. Hmmm lets see…"

Tom gave an exasperated sigh as the Hat hummed and hawed. It was almost as bad as that Dumbledore guy. All deep and knowing. What was knowledge when you could have power?

"Like Dumbledore am I? Power over knowledge eh? Well I remember Albus' sorting. Yes he knew where he wanted to go bit where to put you? Well there is one house that loves power. One that can take you places in the future. If you thought Slytherin was good wait till you see this one. Introducing brrrrrm! GR…" The Hat was suddenly, and quite rudely interrupted.

"What the bloody hell was that?!"

"A drum roll, what else? Now where was I? Oh yes I was just introducing the house you were destined to be in. Well you my dear boy shall be from this moment forth a GR…"

"It sounded more like a helicopter to me. Now about this whole destiny malarkey if you were about to say Gryffindor you are severely mistaken. Only muggle borns and blood traitors end up there, and I for one am neither. The whole concept of a muggle learning magic is disgusting. Only the privileged few should learn it." Tom's voice was pompous and knowing, but he wasn't expecting what came next.

"Privileged few eh? But aren't you only half magic?" the Hat asked innocently.

"Yes, well maybe… But that's beside the point. No one ever has to know about that. I will be in Slytherin and I will dominate," boasted Tom.

"Oh, but in Slytherin they can smell a half blood like yourself a mile off."

"Really?" Tom's voice seemed a little shaky.

"Oh yes. You wouldn't survive a minute in there. No you would be much better in Gryffindor, they'll accept you much more in there." The Hat informed him.

"But what about all the things I've done. What about that time in the caves?" Tom seemed to be begging at this stage.

"Pssh that's nothing, I've heard worse in my time. Have you heard the one about the centaur, the giant and Dumbledore? Now that is quite a tale. It was a lovely May afternoon and Dumbledore and Dippet were taking a turn around the grounds…" the Hat appeared to ramble on until…

" I don't freaking care! I'm a bloody Parseltongue for freak sake!" Tom was nearly ready to explode.

"My, my quite a temper we have there, that might prove dangerous later in life. A Parseltongue you say, well that changes everything doesn't it? Well only one house will take you now…"

"Wait I am not going into Hufflepuff, not reject freak house"

"If you would stop interrupting I will tell you, you aren't king of the world"

"Someday though…" Tom muttered to himself.

"Yes, someday maybe but today you are going to SLYTHERIN!"

The eleven year old tore the Hat off his head and strode, or rather swaggered, over to the green and silver table. That one was going to be trouble, the Hat knew it. It might have made an enemy but at least it had fun along the way.

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**A/N:** Hmmm maybe not as good as my other one but maybe I'll do Hermione next she should be a pretty fun head to mess with. 


	4. Hermione Jean Granger

**A/N: **Oh my a new chapter already?! Well aren't I just fabulous? Anyways here we go Ms.Granger...

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**Hermione Jean Granger**

1st September 1991

"Granger, Hermione!"

The bushy haired girl ran eagerly to the stool, grabbed the Hat and shoved it onto her head.

"Ah, Ms. Granger. How kind of you to join us. Although I would request that in future you would not manhandle me in the manner in which you just did. Now I believe you are a muggle born, am I right?"

Hermione was quite taken aback at the Hat's bluntness. She had expected something so distinguished, of which she had read so much about to be much more refined. Yet here it was giving out to her and asking her about her blood status. However always one with respect for the distinguished she replied politely.

"Y-y-yes sir. I'm sorry sir." She stammered.

"That's more like it. Now where oh where to put you." The Hat pondered for a few seconds leaving a very nervous Hermione in suspense. She had read up all there was to know about Hogwarts and she knew she was either Gryffindor or Ravenclaw material, but she wanted to be in Gryffindor most of all.

"Hmmm… well you do seem to have some sort of smarts up here…" the Hat started, before it was interrupted by an over eager Hermione. What was with these kids and interrupting it? It was like they knew what was best for them. Psssh, as if it wouldn't do or say anything that wouldn't be in their best interest!

"Oh, thank you sir! Well I have already read and memorised all the books on this year curriculum. My year 5 teacher even said I could become Prime Minister one day. Of course that was before I got my letter for Hogwarts. Of course I have also read "Hogwarts, A History" and so I think, I mean if you think, I'm smart well then the best option, apart from Gryffindor which would also be good considering Dumbledore was in that house, would have to be Ravenclaw wouldn't it?" Hermione was quite confident, if a little bossy.

"Oh so you think your smart do you?" the Hat asked.

"Um, yes…"

"Do you think you are loyal and brave?"

"Eh, I think so…"

"Well I've known smart people in my time. Rowena Ravenclaw herself put some of her very being in to create me. And I have known some brave people, look at Godric Gryffindor. But no, you aren't that kind of smart. You might be able to pass a test or two but you would never be up to the standard of a Ravenclaw. No, you have a different kind of smart. A different kind of loyal. A resourceful mind you have, a sly mind too. You are loyal though, to certain people. One house regards these traits very highly. I think you would do well there. Yes, you my dear Ms. Granger will be in SLY…", the Hat could barely keep a straight brim as he made to shout out the house, before Hermione predictably interrupted him.

"WAIT!"

"Yes, my dear sly friend?" the Hat asked inwardly enjoying the anticipation of Hermione inevitable complaints.

"B-b-but I'm a muggle born!" she exclaimed.

"Are you? Why me oh my, so you are! Well what would be the problem with that?"

"They'll kill me in there!", she gasped, " Now I'm not one to question authority, but please do reconsider!"

"Not one to question authority? Well seems to me as though you are. That can cost your house points before I've even sorted you", said the Hat deliberately knowing Hermione's need to be seen as a good girl. But it did shut her up. "Now that's better. Well I suppose you are right about the whole muggle born, Slytherin issue. I must be going a little dotty in my old age. I guess loyalty could be perceived in a different view. And smartness is all relative. Now you mind if I put you in this house, you will have to work extra hard or else I might just have to resort you."

"Y-y-yes sir. Of course", stammered a thoroughly shaken Hermione.

"Well then there's only one thing for it, GRYFFINDOR!", shouted the Hat to the hall. As Hermione jumped off the stool to join her new house the Hat chuckled to itself. She'll always be insecure that one, but maybe it just encouraged her. Or destroyed her forever. Oh, it loved this job.

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**A/N: **Thanks to all my lovely reviewers! I don't know who I'll do next, maybe a Hufflepuff. I want to leave Draco for a while because I feel he might be just a bit more like a softer Tom what with all that arrogance. Any suggestions/requests please let me know! 


	5. Nymphadora Tonks

**A/N: **Yay a new chapter! Thanks a million to everyone who reviewed and left suggestions. This is for 00jade who wanted a Order of the Phoenix person and streetlamp who wanted to see someone who was put in Hufflepuff. Here you go!

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**Nymphadora Tonks**

1st September 1984

"Tonks, Nymphadora!"

As it was called out there was a slight titter amongst the students at her name. Blushing furiously, the young currently pink haired metamorphmagus made her way to the stool.

"I'll kill my mother some day. What kind of mother calls their child Nymphadora?", she muttered to herself, feeling as if all of Hogwarts knew her already, just because of her name, "Drawn and quartered wouldn't be good enough for her."

She then proceeded to make matters worse for herself by tripping on the hem of her robes and grabbing on to McGonagall's robes to steady herself. Her hair a vivid red colour at this stage to match her cheeks, Nymphadora jammed the Hat on her head to avoid looking at the rest of the school, most of who seemed to be in hysterics at this stage.

"Well Ms. Tonks you certainly have seemed to have made an impression on Hogwarts already", said the Hat lightly.

"Shut up," grumbled Nymphadora, "Just sort me already, so they can laugh at the next poor person."

"Oh my! A little irritable aren't we? Well if you insist. Let's see… ah, I see… um hmmm… right…", mumbled the Hat.

"Oi! Are you sorting me or psycho analysing me?", snapped Nymphadora who at this stage could still hear people laughing from beyond the Hat. Had these people nothing better to do than mock a poor defenceless eleven year old?

"No, they don't. This is the highlight of their year. It's all downhill from here".

"Yeah, well it's not fair…". At this stage both were mumbling incoherently, not necessarily expecting the other to listen.

"Now from what I can tell your not exactly genius material, but wait, what's this? Black blood, huh? Well you know there's only one place for a Black to go, no matter how far back the link goes, and that's SLY…"

"But my afore mentioned cursed mother left all that, and then my cousin Sirius was in Gryffindor", Nymphadora protested, knowing her Dad would mock her to kingdom come if she ended up in Slytherin.

"Ah, so you want to be in Gryffindor…"

"Well not necessarily", muttered Nymphadora.

The Hat pretended he hadn't heard her and went on, "Well I'm sorry dear, but being located underneath Phineas means I won't get a wink of sleep for a month if I sorted you into anywhere but Slytherin, like when I sorted young Sirius into Gryffindor. Anyway I don't think you are brave enough for Gryffindor."

"I'm sorry what now? What do you mean I'm not brave? Have you seen my hairstyle? I don't think some wimpy Ravenclaw could pull this off", argued Nymphadora.

"No, they would be too smart to go round with pink hair", muttered the Hat.

"What was that?", accused Nymphadora.

"Nothing, nothing", the Hat answered hastily, "No you go round with pink hair, because you feel you need to stand out. And you certainly do stand out like a sore thumb."

"Jeez, thanks. Don't try building me up. Be just like the others, mock the poor clumsy metamorphmagus," said Nymphadora bitterly.

"Whoa chill, man. You see that? That's me getting in touch with the youth of today. You see I'm trying to shed this image of being a dusty old hat," explained the Hat after seriously freaking Nymphadora out.

"But you are a dusty old hat," said a confused Nymphadora.

" But surely you understand the need to change your appearance." said the Hat.

"Yeah, but you're a hat. You can't really get a makeover", said Nymphadora gently.

The Hat sighed "I guess your right. As to where to put you. Ok so you might be relatively brave but you are chronically loyal. I mean through yourself in front of someone taking a killing curse straight to the heart. Not the brightest of traits, but there you go, that's what Helga liked. All though she did like patience as well…"

"Bloody hell, would you ever get on with it!", exclaimed Nymphadora suddenly.

"Which I guess is something you are going to have to work on. I guess I'm going to regret this for the next month, but here goes nothing, HUFFLEPUFF!", shouted the Hat with a shudder, already thinking of Phineas' reaction.

Nymphadora jumped off the stool. Tripped over her long robes, and fell down the steps. Once again the hall erupted into laughter.

"Gits", muttered Nymphadora as she joined her new house, her hair turning a vibrant shade that resembled a comet.

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**A/N: **St. Patricks Day is on Monday so to celebrate I'll be doing one of my countrymen, Seamus Finnigan, with some of the old _gaeilge _(irish) thrown in. I've already started it, but you won't see it until the 17th, I'm just mean like that. In the mean time if I get inspired I might write about someone else, just don't know who... 

On another note I've started putting together a trailer for this. It's fabulous, but all I can say is that it involves balloons. It should be on YouTube soon under the user Cafirine but I'll post a link as soon as it's done. That's all from this note, until next time!


	6. Luna Lovegood

**A/N:** Oh my gosh! I had so much fun writing this! Luna is such a great character. It's a little shorter than usual, but quality not quantity! This is for Black Forest Dragon, wanted to see Luna. Thanks to everyone who ahs reviewed!

I've got the trailer for this up on YouTube, the link is on my profile or just search for Cafirine.

I've finished Seamus but I won't put it up until tomrrow, St.Patrick's Day. Anyway until then...

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**Luna Lovegood**

1st September 1992

"Lovegood, Luna!"

The blond girl walked dreamily up to the stool, picked up the Hat and put it on.

"Welcome Ms. Lovegood," said the Hat cordially.

"You smell a bit musty," remarked Luna.

"I'm sorry, what?", remarked the Hat, a little taken a back.

"A little musty. When was the last time you checked for belungs? They feed off the very smell of must," replied Luna.

"Do they now? And how do you know that," said the Hat, not quite knowing where this was going.

"Oh, a colleague of my father's found them in Bosnia only last month. It's quite a remarkable find. It explains how only one sock ever comes out of the wash," Luna informed it.

These eleven year olds did not often genuinely confuse the Hat. Sure, every year through up an odd one but Luna here had him well and truly stumped, but it was dying to know what connection these belungs had with socks. So against all its better judgement it asked.

"How?"

"Oh, well it's quite simple really. When you leave your dirty socks lying around for too long the develop lots of must. The belungs then move in and live there. When you finally do put your socks in the wash the belungs then escape, with the sock, into the nearest pond to live out the rest of their lives and have lots of little belungs, or belungings," answered Luna.

"Right…" the Hat didn't really know where to go from there.

"But, a thorough cleaning every two days, ensuring no must, will keep them away," offered Luna in a helpful tone.

The Hat for once was speechless. It took a few seconds before it regained its composure.

"Eh, sorting… right sorting! Emm I guess you would be good Gryffindor. You seem to be brave," the Hat was still a little bit in shock.

"No, you don't want to do that," Luna informed it.

"I don't?"

"Oh no, the Gryffindor has an infestation of nargles. Yes, I am brave, but not that brave." Said Luna very matter of factly.

"Oh right, of course…" said the Hat slowly. "Well you are loyal, very loyal in fact. Yes, you would be a perfect Hufflepuff."

"No, no those belungs must be really getting to your head. Hufflepuffs are badger people. I am not a badger person," said Luna.

"People and animals?", asked the Hat.

"Oh yes! Gryffindors are lion people, Slytherins snake people and Ravenclaws are eagle people", said Luna with what seemed to be great authority on the subject.

"Eagle people… right…. Well my dear you do seem to be up with fairies, I mean eagles. And so you are a RAVENCLAW!" shouted the Hat; now expecting Luna to jump off the stool as so many had done before her. But she didn't.

"Good choice, yes I have always thought myself to be a eagle person," said Luna dreamily, "They are just so majestic…"

"Emm, this is the part where you are supposed to go to your table," hinted the Hat.

"Oh, ok. Well look out for those belungs", said Luna and with that she took off the Hat and walked over to her new house.

The Hat was in a state of shock. What just happened there? It had been cheated out of mind and confidence destroying. Damn it, it must be those belungs.


	7. Seamus Finnigan

**A/N: **Lá Féile Pádraig shona dhiabh! Happy St. Patricks Day to you all! Here's Seamus with the irish thrown in. If you don't understand some of the cultural references just ask or google them!

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**Seamus Finnigan**

1st September 1991

"Finnigan, Seamus!"

The young Irish _buachaill_(boy) walked up to the Hat and put it on his _ceann_ (head).

"Ah, Mr. Finnigan. Welcome indeed to England and Hogwarts. I remember your mother well, quite a fiery young one she was. Trying to sort her was a nightmare," said the Hat.

"Oi! What are you saying about me Mam!", demanded Seamus, defensive as only an Irish boy can be about his_ mathair _(mother).

"My dear boy nothing, nothing at all. I was just saying that she had a typical Irish flair. Something she has appeared to have passed on to her son", remarked the Hat in an amused tone.

"800 years of oppression, and they still think they can look down on us", grumbled Seamus to himself.

The Hat decided to ignore that remark, feeling that now wasn't probably the best time to discuss history and politics.

"Now, Mr Finnigan where are we going to put you? Well you have a decent brain, but not a Ravenclaw mind. You do however seem to be fiercely loyal to your roots," _arsa_(said) the Hat, pointing out the obvious, "However it seems that you will be just as hard to sort as your mother. Well what about Slytherin? They have some lovely green insignias."

"I'm sorry what! Just because I'm Irish, doesn't mean I automatically go for the house with the green colours," protested Seamus.

"Huh, your mother said the same thing," said the Hat thoroughly enjoying the stereotypes, "Well you do know that every March 17th you are required to wear green anyway. Oh yes and then sing like leprechauns the whole day, you know Molly Malone things like that."

"WHAT! You mean I have to be ridiculed on my country's national day," Seamus was speechless.

"Well I wouldn't call it ridiculed exactly, maybe more gently poking fun at you," explained the Hat.

"So what happens on St. George's day? Do I get to gently poke fun at all the British people?", asked Seamus _le __cuidiú __Dé_(hopefully).

"My dear boy no, don't be ridiculous! No, instead we openly mock all those who aren't British," stated the Hat.

"Great, not only do I have to be in this country for the next seven years of my life, I also get ridiculed. Please show me the upside to this," begged Seamus.

"No, more awful Irish music? No more Corrs or Westlife?", suggested the Hat.

"Ah, that has to be good thing," agreed Seamus.

"Now where, were we? Oh yes well we have ruled out Ravenclaw and Slytherin, but have established that you are loyal. Hmmmm…. I don't know but it seems like to be a good choice, yes I do believe you will be a good HUFF", the Hat prepared to shout.

"Wait up, hold on, _tóg go bog é_ (take it easy). I don't think you've made the right decision there", said Seamus.

"I haven't have I," asked the Hat with a tone that seemed to suggest that Seamus shouldn't be contradicting him. However, Seamus didn't seem to hear him and so continued.

"No, Hufflepuffs are average. I am not average. I am Irish. Irish people are not average," stated Seamus as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

"So you, an eleven year old boy, who has never travelled further abroad than England, thinks he knows what house is better for him in than I. I who has all four founders in me. You think you know better than I do," the Hat was sounding threatening at this stage.

"Ehh, no?", replied Seamus in a _beag_ (small) voice.

"Quite right. But now that I've seen that you aren't a push over I would have to agree you aren't a Hufflepuff. I don't know I guess you could be brave if you wanted to." Pondered the Hat.

"To right I'm brave. I've got the _fuil_ (blood) of martyrs running through my veins," boasted Seamus.

"Yeah, we'll have to work on that whole arrogance thing", remarked the Hat, "but until then hold onto your shamrocks you are a GRYFFINDOR!"

The sandy haired Irish boy jumped down from the stool and walked over to the red and gold table. The Hat cracked itself up sometimes; it couldn't wait for St. Patrick's Day…


	8. Minerva McGonagall

**A/N: **So here's McGonagall in all her glory.This is for passionate4pens who wanted to see McGonagall. Hope you all enjoy it! I guess I kinda see McgGonagall as a younger Hermione so some aspects of her turn up.Oh, and sorry for some of the cheesiness. 

I've just written a short story for Neville and Cho (my favourite non-canon couple) so please do go and have a look! 

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**Minerva McGonagall**

1st September 1937

"McGonagall, Minerva!"

The eleven year old girl walked up to the stool and put it on her head.

"Welcome Ms. McGonagall to Hogwarts", said the Hat

"Hello", replied Minerva in a small voice.

"Ah, now don't be scared. Now what I'm just going to ask you to do is transfigure the teacup that is about to appear in front of you into a mouse. Then depending on the type of mouse I will decide what house you will be sorted into, ok," said the Hat in what appeared was supposed to be a soothing tone. Only it didn't work on Minerva.

"I'm sorry, what!" the poor girl was terrified. She had only gotten her first wand a few weeks ago. Sure she had read all her books at this stage. Sure she had decided transfiguration was her favourite, and had memorised all of her set books for that course. But to transfigure a teacup! In front of the whole school!

"Transfigure the teacup I'm about to produce," the Hat repeated, "Honestly child are you deaf or something?"

"Uh no, it's just I don't think I can transfigure a teacup right now," Minerva explained in an apologetic voice.

"Oh right, well I guess that's Ravenclaw off the list," muttered the Hat to itself.

"What? Just like that I'm not going to be in Ravenclaw?", asked Minerva in shock. She thought that the Hat was all knowing and so automatically put it in whatever house suited her most.

"Of course I'm all knowing. Pssh. What do you take me for? This is just for filing purposes. I will test you and that will show what house. However if you fail all the tests well then I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave," said the Hat in a routine, I-do-this-every-year-so-don't-question-the-system-silly-little-girl kind of voice.

"Oh, ok," said Minerva in her small voice.

"Right now, next task. Well question really, a muggleborn has just taken your place on the quidditch team. How far will you go to make sure this person of inferior birth is taken off the team in favour for you?", asked the Hat as if reading off a questionnaire.

"Why does it matter if they are muggleborn? Anyway they can have it since they played better," answered Minerva.

"Hmmm, yes, very interesting. Well I guess that's Slytherin out. Two down, two to go," said the Hat cheerfully.

Minerva breathed a sigh of relief. As much as she didn't want to be asked to leave Hogwarts, she didn't want to be a Slytherin. They were scary over there.

"Right next task. I need you to decide between your family and your friends," stated the Hat, in a very matter of fact voice, as if it was the easiest thing in the world to do.

"I can't do that! I love them both too much, my friends are like my family," complained Minerva.

"Right then, no loyalty, that's Hufflepuff gone," said the Hat ticking it off the list.

"Wait a minute, it's not that I'm not loyal it's just…", started Minerva.

"Now, now child stop interrupting me," scolded the Hat, "Now this is your last chance, one more house, or else you're out. Now what I need you to do is to stand up, shout "Professor Dippet is a big fat hippogriff" and then sit down again."

"What! I can't do that!", they'll kick me out for sure," gasped Minerva.

"Well then, that shows a complete lack of bravery and thus means you are not a Gryffindor. I'm sorry dear, but there are no houses left and that means you are REJ…" the Hat prepared to shout.

"Hold on! You can't just do that! You can't just reject me like that," protested Minerva.

"And why ever not? Do you think you know better than me," asked the Hat in what could be perceived as a threatening voice.

"No, it's just I, well, I, emm, refuse to go, yeah that's it I refuse to go," declared Minerva.

"Oho, you refuse to go do you," asked the Hat with a tone of amusement.

"Yes, and I'll fight anyone who tries to remove me," she said.

"Hmm, well we can't have bloodshed on our first day back can we? Well I guess you have just shown some degree of bravery, I wonder…," the Hat pondered to itself for a few a seconds before it shouted, "GRYFFINDOR!"

Little Minerva McGonagall jumped off the stool and ran over to the red and gold table.

Hehehe tasks… it really was a genius.


	9. James Potter the First

**A/N: **So here's James Potter the first for GryffindorGal87. Thanks a million to everyone who has reviewed, it makes me feel so loved! I've started Oliver Wood so he should be up in a day or two. Until then...

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**James Potter 1**

1st September 1971

"Potter, James!"

The eleven year old swaggered up to the stool and put the Hat on his head. To be honest he didn't know why he was going through this rigmarole of being sorted. It was obvious where he was going to be put. He was a Potter. All Potters are Gryffindors. Ergo he was going to be put in Gryffindor. Honestly, did everything have to be so formal?

"Well, Mr. Potter, so you think you are going to be just put into Gryffindor just like that?", asked the Hat.

"Well, yes," stated James.

"And so what would happen if say, I don't know, I decided that you weren't Gryffindor material. What if I decided you were, let's say, Slytherin material. Of course this is hypothetical," said the Hat in a seemingly innocent tone.

"Ok, then, hypothetically I'll owl my parents so they can complain to Dumbledore," replied James.

"Well you are a spoiled little brat aren't you?," commented the Hat.

"Wh-what?!", no one had ever talked back to James before..

"Yes, a pureblood spoiled brat. And I know exactly where to put you my friend, where all pureblood spoiled brats go, SLYT…", the Hat was well into the word when James interrupted.

"Just a minute there! I'm not a pureblood spoiled brat. Well ok I am a pureblood," admitted James.

"And maybe a teensy weensy bit spoiled at times?", the Hat prompted.

"Well it comes with the territory of being a only child," James pointed out, "But I'm not a brat. Anyway I display all the traits of a Gryffindor. I'm brave!"

"Oh, yes?", asked the Hat in a amused tone, "and in what way are you, Mr. Potter, brave?"

"Well… I… Last summer I flew on my broom over the nearest muggle village, without an invisibility cloak!" James boasted.

"So, your reckless", said the Hat.

"Well, I'm chivalrous!," James attempted, "I was really nice and gentlemanly to that Lily girl on the train."

"Ah, yes Ms. Evans. Yes, she did mention you", said the Hat.

"Really?", said James hopefully.

"Oh yes! She said you were an arrogant little toe rag, and she was dreading spending the next seven years of her life in such close proximity to you," said the Hat cheerfully.

"Oh." Came James' quiet voice.

"Yes, you made quite an impression on young Ms. Evans. Now where were we? Oh yes I was just about to sort you into Slytherin, as we have established that not only are you a pureblood spoiled brat, but you are also reckless and quite, to put it in Ms. Evans' words, "arrogant"," said the Hat.

"Hold your centaurs! My parents will kill me if I end up in Slytherin, I don't know if I can handle that kind of shame and disappointment. But then", James sighed, "If you think that's where I'm meant to be then shout it out. Shout Slytherin for all the hall to hear so my public and private shame may start."

"Humph. That's just thrown everything out of whack hasn't it?," the Hat complained.

"What do you mean," asked James, who really just wanted to get this over and done with so his shame could end quicker.

"Well, you my dear Mr. Potter, have just demonstrated bravery in being able to accept a place in Gryffindor," said the Hat.

"I did? I mean, of course I did, I mean I am James Potter after all," James boasted,

"Right. Ms. Evans really was right about you. And so only one place to put someone of your", the Hat coughed, "bravery and charm, GRYFFINDOR!"

James was about to jump off the stool in relief but before he could take the Hat off his head it said one last thing to him.

"By the way, I wouldn't give up on Ms. Evans. She really does like you even if she won't show it. At all ", whispered the Hat.

James jumped off with a huge grin plastered on his face.

Yes, the Hat would have fun watching Mr. Potter chase Ms. Evans for the next seven years. And who knows she might even return the sentiments one day. Pssh, yeah right who was it kidding?


	10. Oliver Wood

**A/N: **I know this is a little shorter than usual, but there you go. For Black paws and GryffindorGal87 who both wantd to see Oliver. I'm sorry for the last line by the way, I wanted to wind it up but I couldn't think of anything to say. I'm going to put a list up on my profile of characters I'm going to do and so when you make a request it's put up. Anyway once again thanks a million for all the reviews, currently 61, you guys are all amazing!

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**Oliver Wood**

1st September 1987

"Wood, Oliver!"

The small well built boy walked up to the stool and out the Hat on his head.

"Well Mr. Wood, welcome to Hogwarts," said the Hat, "Now where are we going to put you today hmmm?"

However young Oliver seemed to be rather distracted and appeared not to be listening to the Hat as it talked to itself about which house he should be sorted into. No instead Oliver's mind was thinking about which team had won; Puddlemere United or the Chudley Canons.

"I'm sorry Mr. Wood, but you do seem to be rather distracted there. Usually I have quite a pleasant chat with whomever I am sorting, but you seem to quite off with the fairies there. What seems to be troubling you?," asked the Hat.

"Who won? Puddlemere or the Canons?", inquired Oliver in all earnestness.

"Excuse me? You want to know who won a silly little game, while I'm here making one of the most important decisions of your life. Honestly young people these days, no priority! Well if you must know Puddlemere won," said the Hat.

"Good, but not surprising really, the Canons are having an awful season, as per usual," remarked Oliver.

"Well Mr. Wood now that you have that out of your system, can we get back to sorting you?," asked the Hat a little huffily, "Now lets see… hmmm… yes… well you seem to be rather foolhardy but loyalty to your team seems to be your first priority, yes you are a HUFF…"

"But Hufflepuff are terrible quidditch players! They haven't won anything in decades. I think my loyalty to my team would quickly evaporate if we kept losing like that," said Oliver, a little saddened at the thought of being out in a house like Hufflepuff.

"Let me get this straight, you don't want to be a Hufflepuff because they have a terrible team?," asked the Hat incredulously.

"Eh, yeah…"

"Right. Well where I guess if you want a good team Gryffindor would be the obvious, but I don't know…", the Hat trailed off mid-thought.

"Yes. Now there's a good quidditch house. Strong and brave," said Oliver.

"But, Mr. Wood I have already decided that you are foolhardy, and I don't think that is the same as being brave, I'm sorry but I have to put you elsewhere," said the Hat.

"But I am brave!" little Oliver protested, "I play keeper! I have to put up with all those psycho chasers coming at me."

"Ah, but aren't the keepers just the players who like to think they can play quidditch, but the most they can do is sit in front of the hoops, and hopefully block a quaffle or two? There's no real talent involved," asked the Hat.

Poor Oliver nearly exploded, "WHAT! No talent? There are three of those hoops, and you have to guard all of them, never knowing where the chaser might throw the quaffle! And then there is the ever prevalent threat of a bludger! Keepers are the bravest players out there!"

"Whoa! Quite passionate about this whole quidditch thing aren't we?" said the Hat with a faint chuckle.

"It's my life blood, only a fool wouldn't love quidditch," grumbled Oliver, a little disgruntled that he was being mocked.

"Right… well I suppose the Gryffindor team does need some new life injected into it, and so for this reason, and you better appreciate and take full advantage of it as Hufflepuff still beckons, you are in GRFFINDOR!" the Hat shouted to the hall.

Yes Mr. Wood was passionate, but maybe a little extreme at times thought the Hat, as Oliver joined his new House. Quidditch will be interesting over the next few years.


	11. Draco Malfoy

**A/N: **Ok so I tried something different with this chapter, I got rid of the whole he said she said thing and went with straight dialogue. And so the Hat is in **bold** and Draco is underlined. Like it? Hate it? Please tell! So anyway here is the long awaited Draco Malfoy as sought by so many of you including HermioneRose, daydreaming redhead, GryffindorGal87 so this is for you guys! Oh, and this one is slightly Au-ish because Malfoy was sorted immediatly but obviously here he wasn't. I don't know but I found Malfoy to be a mix of James and Tom... hmmm... maybe I'm spending too much time looking at these characters... :)

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**Draco Malfoy**

1st September 1991

"Malfoy, Draco!"

The small, blonde boy walked with an air of arrogance up to the stool. He picked up to the Hat and put it on. However he didn't sit down, expecting to be sorted immediately. Well, that's what he thought.

"**So are you going to sit down any time soon Mr. Malfoy?"**

"What's the point? All you have to do is shout Slytherin and I'll be on my way. Everyone knows I'm going to be a Slytherin, so it's a obvious sorting."

"**You seem to be quite confident about this, but you know I'm not really sure you are Slytherin material."**

"Excuse me, but you don't seem to realise how I am. I am Draco Malfoy, son of Lucius Malfoy, and the grandson of Abraxas Malfoy both of whom were Slytherins. Malfoys are always Slytherin, I am, and will not be, any different.

"**Oh I don't know about that. You could be the first Malfoy to be sorted into Gryffindor, stranger things have happened. Remember Sirius Black, a cousin of yours I believe, was sorted into Gryffindor by yours truly. Now why don't you sit down, people are starting to stare."**

Draco sat down abruptly, blushing a little. This should have his defining moment at the start of his Hogwarts career, and here was an insolent piece of enchanted cloth telling him he was not Slytherin material. He had to regain control of this sorting.

"Sure, you sorted Sirius Black into Gryffindor, but then look what happened to him. He turns out to be a Deatheater and is now locked away in Azkaban for killing thirteen people, including one of his closest friends. Yes, it looked like you got that one a teensy bit wrong."

"**Yes, so one would think. However, we are not here in an attempt to resort Black back into Slytherin. No, we are here to sort you Mr. Malfoy, Slytherin or otherwise. So let us have a look inside that head of yours… hmmm…yes… very interesting…yes I think so, HUFF…"**

"Wait! Do you know what you are about to do, you silly Hat? If you sort me into Hufflepuff there will be serious consequences, for you, Dumbledore, and me. My Father would kill me!"

"**A little desperate aren't we? But this loyalty to your family proves you are perfect Hufflepuff material. Yes, loyal and hardworking for your cause. Almost to the extent you are afraid to fail sometimes, hmmm? Am I not right?"**

"Yes, loyal to the right cause. But Hufflepuffs are the wimps who couldn't decide what they were good at and so had to compromise, by saying they are hard working. Yeah working hard to not come bottom of the Quidditch cup again. I am not a Hufflepuff, I have to be a Slytherin or else."

"**Or else what? You are a little ferrety aren't you? You seem very desperate to get into Slytherin, and yet you haven't shown me why, apart from threatening me of course, but what else would a Malfoy do? Yes you are a Malfoy, but are you a Slytherin? I'm thinking not."**

"But the name Malfoy is the same as saying Slytherin. So by saying I am undoubtedly a Malfoy means you are saying I am undoubtedly a Slytherin, and so you better shout Slytherin _now_, if you know what's good for you."

"**Yes, that's an interesting argument, yes very interesting indeed. Well there seems to be a little flaw in your argument."**

"_What_?"

"**Well it seems that you can't leave this stool until you have been sorted, so nothing can happen until that happens, so there is no point in threatening me for the present time. Then if, and when, I sort you into Hufflepuff your family will disown you immediately and you will lose all credibility and power you thought you had. So in turn you will not be able to fulfil any threats made towards me for the future. So you see if you know what's good for you, Mr. Malfoy, you will listen to me and deal with whatever I give you."**

"ok."

"**Right, now we have that dealt with that issue lets get back to the matter at hand. Now I do suppose Hufflepuffs do have to kind of like all types of witches and wizards, including muggleborns, which judging from your expression will not exactly be you ideal situation. No, I guess not."**

"No Malfoy has ever counted themselves to be even acquaintances with such, _things_."

"**Right, well I guess you go for blood rather than brains, which I guess pretty much strikes Ravenclaw off the list. And you are definitely not Gryffindor material, anything but courageous when you are on your own, without anyone to back you up."**

"Hey!"

"**Yes? What are going to do about it?"**

"nothing"

"**Exactly. Well I do seem to have got myself in some sort of quandary. There only seems to be Slytherin left, but I feel you will never make real friends there, friends you can rely on."**

"But they're all purebloods in Slytherin! Of course I'll make friends, as for real friends, who needs them when you have money and status? I can always get new ones."

"**Well you do seem eager. And you do seem to go to lengths to be in control and get what you want. Well, I guess since there is no other choice… SLYTHERIN"**

The blond boy jumped off the stool, and with his confident air retained he strolled over to the Slytherin table. Malfoy did really mean the same thing as Slytherin.


	12. Fred and George Weasley

**A/N: **Ok so I tried something different here. Going with the same format as last time (it worked for this one) and the twins have been sorted seperatly, but being twins the Hat (in** bold**) asks them the same questions etc. and the twins either answer sperately (_Fred_) (George) or what they both said, which is in normal font. Got it? I had fun with this, especially my twisted Lion King reference (prize to those who find it, well of sorts) although it didn't come out until their fifth year :).

For daydreaming readhead who gave me the troll idea, TwiLyght who wanted to see Fred, Basic Mione who wanted to see the twins, and Black Frost Dragon who wanted to see Gred and Forge. Thanks for all your reviews. Also for my own baby twin bruvvers, who I make read all my stuff, and hate being referred to as "the twins" or even as "baby bruvvers" hehehe... oh the joy of being an older sister! Twins for twins! Sorry for the long note...

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Fred and George Weasley

1st September 1989

"_Weasley, Fred!"_ "Weasley, George!"

Fred walked up to the stool, not wanting to leave his twin, and put the Hat on his head.

George walked up to the stool, having already seen his twin been sorted, and put the Hat on his head.

"**Aha! Another Weasley, but not only that, a Weasley twin! How very interesting."**

"Please Gryffindor, Dad would kill me if I ended up in Slytherin"

**"But aren't you a pureblood? All Slytherins are purebloods, you would be a perfect addition to the Slytherin house."**

"_But you sorted the rest of my brothers in to Gryffindor, I don't think I'd be able to face Percy if I ended up in Slytherin."_

"But you sorted Fred into Gryffindor! How can you separate twins like that? That's just cruel and inhumane."

**"But family members don't always end up in the same house, often they prosper away from their family."**

"Not this family member"

**"But you do seem to have that certain rebellious streak in your nature, a certain disregard for the rules. A prized Slytherin trait."**

"_Not slimy Slytherin rebellious though. For them rebellious is stabbing your friend in the back."_

"Ugh! Slytherin traits, I feel diseased or something. I'd never do a Slytherin rebel thing. Too much of the whole stabbing the friend in the back thing going on there."

**"Well, there has been a big demand for Gryffindor this year, and since you are one of the last to be sorted, I'm afraid I'm going to have to see some sort of proof of your Gryffindor bravery. A test of sorts one might say."**

"A test?"

**"Yes, a test. Now before I tell or show you I'm going to have ask you not to scream, as we don't want to put off those who are still waiting, now do we?"**

"_What do you mean scream?"_

"Why would there be a need for screaming?"

"This isn't going to hurt is it?"

**"Well, if you do it right it won't. However if you mess up, not only will it hurt but also I'm sorry but I can't let you be a Gryffindor. So on we go, are we ready?"**

"_I guess."_

"Sure, why not. I mean how bad can it be?"

**"In a few moments a mountain troll will come bursting through the doors of the Great Hall. What I want you to do is wrestle it to the ground, thus proving you are a brave and strong Gryffindor."**

"WHAT?!"

**"My dear boy, I asked you not to scream, my poor eardrums can't handle it. It's not as if you will be seriously injured, only maimed slightly."**

_"Your crazy"_

"Your insane"

_"Bonkers"_

"Completely lost the plot"

"Wait do you even have ears?"

**"That is beside the point, Mr. Weasley. Now will you fight this troll or not. There is of course always Slytherin."**

"_Ok maybe a troll is better than being a Slytherin."_

"I guess there are worse things than fighting a troll."

**"There, that's more like it, a nice bit of cooperation. Now lets see… where did I put it? Ho hum, it seems as though I have mislaid my troll, oh dear."**

"Huh? How do you mislay a troll? They're so big"

"_And hairy"_

"And stinky"

"And man, are they ugly!"

**"Right. Well anyway, it seems as though you can't be tested today. Although you did seem to be prepared to fight said troll…"**

"Anything is better than being a slimy Slytherin."

**"Quite, so instead you shall be tested on how your bravery is tested throughout your time at Hogwarts. You will show me your courage in front of real danger."**

"You mean like pranks? Hmmm, that could work"

**"Wait! That's not what I meant. Oh dear, never mind, GRYFFINDOR!"**

Fred jumped off the stool with mischievous grin to join the red and gold table, to watch his brother be sorted.

George jumped off the stool with a mischievous grin to join his brother at the red and gold table.

Oh dear, what had it started? Ah well, it's not as if it could ever be traced back to it. Could it?

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	13. Albus Severus Potter

**A/N: **Sorry it's been so long but I've had so much homework. Although over the next two months it might get a bit slower what with my be-all-and-end-all-this-is-your-life-NEWTs-equivilant exams coming up, and orals this week and next so yeah I should study...

The Lion King reference in the last one was with the twins describing the troll, which was adapted from the hyenas describing lions. Well done to all those who got it right. As regards to prizes, well you are all winners at heart :). There is a Seventh Heaven in here but unless you've seen it... yeah I have wierd interests.

This is for 00jade who first suggested I do the next generation. By the way as of this moment I have 100 reviews, I love you guys!

I'm back to the standard for this one because it seems the consnesus seems to be it is the perferred format. I think I'm looking for a beta, I'm not sure... interested? It might help cut down on all those despised typos.

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**Albus Severus Potter**

1st September 2017

"Potter, Albus!"

Just like his father and brother before him the whispers of "Potter?" "Did she say Potter?" "As in _the_ Potter?" followed him as he walked nervously up to the stool and put the legendary Hat on his head.

"Oh, Mr. Potter! How very nice of you to join us. Yes, I remember your father very well, your mother too of course. She knew exactly where she wanted to go," the Hat chuckled to itself, "Oh, yes quite determined were your parents, but enough about them, where am I going to put you? A Weasley and a Potter all in one, with a definite dash of Evans."

"Well, my Dad said I had a choice of where I wanted to go. That he had the chance of going into Slytherin but chose Gryffindor instead. He said you won't put me anywhere I don't want to go", came Albus' small voice from under the Hat.

"Oho, did he then. Well, well, well, my past has come back to haunt me in the form of a terrified little eleven year old. How very interesting," mused the Hat.

"I-I-I'm not scared!" protested little Albus.

"Indeed. But let me tell you a secret little Albus Potter. Your father lied. I have sorted many, many children in my time. Your parents, grandparents, even your namesakes, but never have I given anyone the choice. No one has ever put me on their head and told me what house they want to be in, and gotten away with it. Ever. So you will not be the first. You will go where I tell you and you will be happy with it, because I am all-powerful, all-knowing and all-magical," said the Hat in it's most domineering voice.

"oh, ok."

"That's right. Honestly young people these days! No respect what so ever. You would think what with today's freedoms they would be a little more appreciative of those who gave them that freedom."

"But I do appreciate it! I mean Dad doesn't talk about it much but loads of my parents friends and family died in the war."

"Humph, that's what your brother said, but then I put him in his place. No, all of your generation doesn't appreciate anything these days. I warrant that you will even try to argue about what house I sort you into. No gratitude," said the Hat in disgruntled voice.

"No I won't! I promise!"

"Well, we'll see about that won't we? Now, I guess the obvious choice here would be Gryffindor, but then any troll would be able to do that. No, I see something different, something that lies even deeper than Gryffindor pride. Yes, I see a middle child complex. How very Lucy of you"

"Huh?"

"Mid nineties muggle show. I guess before your time," mused the Hat.

"But I don't have a middle child complex."

"Oh don't you? Who always gets the biggest slice of cake?"

"James?"

"And receives all the doting from family?"

"Lily?"

"And who gets all the hand-me-downs?"

"Me"

"Well, there you go. You feel rejected and unloved. You see Hogwarts as a chance to prove yourself. A chance to step out from the shadow of so many famous names. A chance to gain power all by yourself."

"Wait a minute, when did I say all that? I don't want power!"

"Oh really? You mightn't have said it but it's all up here in your mind. I've looked deep into your sub-conscious and I've seen your innermost desires and wants."

"Really? I wish I could look into my sub-conscious if it's telling you all that," muttered Albus.

"Yes, I see all that and more which makes you a perfect candidate for SLY…" the Hat waited eagerly for the evident outburst from the young Potter.

"What? Wait; hold on there, I can't be a Slytherin. I'd never hear the end of it from James."

"Aha, I knew it!" declared the Hat victoriously.

"Knew what?"

"That you would argue with what house I would put you in. Like I said before, no respect."

"But I can't be a Slytherin. Grandpa Weasley might just disown me! Isn't there any chance you could but me in Gryffindor?"

"My dear boy, if everyone had a choice it wouldn't be called a sorting now would it? It would be a choosing, now wouldn't it?"

"I guess. But it's just my whole family have been Gryffindors, as was my namesake," came Albus' rather feeble argument.

"Yes Albus Dumbledore was. But what about your middle name. Severus isn't it? Yes I remember Severus, Slytherin was he not?"

"Yes, but my Dad said he was one of the bravest men he ever knew."

"And yet he was sorted into Slytherin. Let's just say I never make mistakes," said the Hat simply.

"Never?"

"Never. I am all knowing, all powerful, and all wisdomful."

"All wisdomful? Is that even word? I've heard Rose use some weird words, but I haven't heard that on before."

"Well just shows why Ms. Weasley wasn't sorted into Ravenclaw doesn't it? I always get it right. Although I do remember Severus as Headmaster. Of course I knew all along what was going on. They always like to tell the Hat what's going on. I've seen the bravery young Severus displayed, if rather foolishly. How very ironically Gryffindor," meandered off the Hat on it's own tangent.

"Yeah, the guy was a saint. What house am I being sorted into?" pushed Albus.

"And there we go again. Pushy. I want this, I want that. It's an epidemic that's sweeping this generation. No patience," grumbled the Hat.

"I'm sorry. What house would you like to sort me into?" asked Albus putting on his most polite voice.

"That's more like it. Well I guess if you prove as brave as your namesakes, well then there is only place I can put you isn't there? And I think Grandpa Weasley would kill me if you ended up in Slytherin. And so without further ado and to save our own necks; GRYFFINDOR!" shouted the Hat.

Gryffindor table burst out into cheers as Albus, feeling relieved, walked shakily to where his brother sat.

Yes, a slight Lucy complex going on there. But then by the end wasn't Simon the middle child? Hmmm it must go and research that. Oh! It could feel a marathon coming on…

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**A/N:** I've just realised Rose wouldn't have been sorted until after Albus... ah well lets just call it artistic lisence shall we?


	14. Sirius Black

**A/N: **Ahh! It's been absolutely forever since I've updated this story! I'm so sorry! It's been mayhem. Ihad my exams and then I moved to Scotland for University so it's all been a bit stressful! But if your reading this, thanks for staying with me.

On another note if you saw the absolutley craptastic trailer I made for this you know what I'm talking about; Tom/Voldemort's balloon was the last to deflate, creepy huh? Harry was the first :)

Anyway on with the show! Short but sweet?

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**Sirius Black**

1st September 1971

"Black, Sirius!"

The tall, black haired boy sauntered up to the stool, avoiding the looks he knew he was getting from the Slytherin table, well he was related to half of them. He put the Hat on.

"Well if it isn't another Black," the Hat said softly, "Well I know exactly where to put you. There isn't anywhere else…"

"No." Sirius said flatly.

"Excuse me?"

"I know what your going to say. You are going to say Slytherin and I'm not going there," said Sirius with determination, "I'm not another one of those pure blood brats."

"No, your exactly like them," the Hat retorted.

"What?"

"Oh yes, coming up here, straight out of Mummy and Daddy's laps, where you get away with anything, and then expect me to put you wherever you tell me to put you. I'm sorry Mr. Black, but that's not how things work here in the real world," the Hat said firmly, "Now you are going to go where I put you whether you like it or not."

"Yessums", Sirius said meekly.

"Well at least your upbringing taught you some manners at least. Now lets have a good look in here… ah yes… very interesting indeed…"

"What? What is there? Please tell me I'm actually a squib. That would be sooo good to tell Mother!" Sirius said dreamily.

"No, no my dear boy. Quite the opposite in fact. You have quite the magical ability, in fact, it seems the best place for you would be RAVEN…"

"Eh, no. That would mean I would actually have to work wouldn't it?"

"Well that's what people usually come to Hogwarts for; to learn"

"Yeah, well you see that's not really going to work for me. As much as I would love to learn, the whole idea of actually putting effort into it is not exactly appealing," Sirius shuddered at the thought of spending the next seven years just studying. He would almost rather go home. Wait maybe that was a bit of an exaggeration. Wrestling with a nesting dragon, yeah that's what he would rather do.

"Is that so?"

Stupid mind reading hat Sirius thought to himself.

"Yes indeed, but it's this mind reading hat that is about to decide where and how you spend the next seven years of your life, so deal with it," the Hat rebuked, "Now with a lack of enthusiasm for academic achievement, but definite spunk... hmmm... really?... Well why not? Yes..."

"Any day now!" Sirius muttered.

"Patience Mr. Black, patience... Well that's one thing you will learn in this house, HUFFL..."

"Aaahh! NO!!" Sirius cried, "Ah crap did everyone hear that?"

"I'm soundproof, but why the melodramatics? Surely Hufflepuff is the perfect choice. No pressure to overachieve, it's not Slytherin, but it's not Gryffindor, so I won't get... Never mind, it's a good choice."

"Huh?" Sirius was confused, but he shook it off, knowing that it happened too often, "I just know I can't be a Hufflepuf, they're just underachieving, do gooders," Sirius shuddered again at the thought of actually having to follow rules.

"Well that only leaves Slytherin..."

"Wait what about Gryffindor?"

"What about it?"

"You could put me in Gryffindor."

"Ha!"

"What?"

"Yeah, I could put you in Gryffindor, and then spend the rest of this age listening to Phineas chastising me for putting one of his own into Gryffindor. Sorry my boy, but it looks like it's going to be Slytherin, whether you like it or not."

"No, I refuse, you can't make me!" Sirius said determinedly.

"You don't have a choice," the Hat replied firmly.

"That nesting dragon is looking more and more appealing," Sirius muttered.

"Look I've been doing this a hell of a lot longer than you, so I think I know a bit better where you should end up, so you are going to go over to that table, and you will freakin' like it!" the Hat snapped.

"Fine! But I won't enjoy it!" Sirius snapped back.

"Well then maybe I should but you in Gryffindor you ungrateful brat!"

"Maybe you should!"

"Fine!"

"Fine!"

"Fine! GRYFFINDOR!"

"Fine!" Sirius cried one final time, and ripped the Hat off his head, and stalked over to the red and gold table. There was a quiet hush around the Great Hall at the shock of what had just happened, a Black sorted into Gryffindor.

Hehehe that was fun, the Hat thought to itself, but it would never hear the end of it from Phineas.


	15. Gilderoy Lockhart

**A/N: **Well, I was supposed to be studying, so naturally I wrote this instead... Again sorry for the lack of updates, I'm not exactly coming down with free time... This one just caught my eye on the big list of requests. So for Hazel Wish!

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**Gilderoy Lockhart**

1st September 1969

"Lockhart, Gilderoy!"

A little angelic boy, with perfectly curled hair walked gracefully up to the stool to where the Hat lay. He gave it a once over, sighed, picked it up between his fingers, and gingerly placed it on top of his immaculate head.

"eeewwww, this is disgusting. It's going to take days to get my hair clean and curled again..." young Gilderoy muttered to himself.

"I'm sorry, does my state of cleanliness not satisfy you?" the Hat, asked in a dangerous voice. A voice you do not want to be hearing from the being that is about to make a decision that could potentially shape the rest of your life.

Young Gilderoy obviously had not had experienced a lot of sarcasm in his eleven years.

"Well, I'm guessing Gryffindor never heard of an auto-clean spell?" Gilderoy sniffed, shuddering at the thought of when the last time the Hat must have been cleaned, and who else had worn the Hat before him.

"Right. Lets make this a nice quick one shall we?" the Hat said tartly.

"Somewhere that has colours that compliments my skin tone please! I want to look good in future photographs" he requested, in his mind, innocently.

That seemed to push the Hat over the edge.

"Well, you won't need to be pretty where your going sonny. They don't appreciate pretty" the Hat said snidely.

"Huh?"

"Oh yes, it's SLYT...!"

"Eh. No. I cannot live in a dungeon. There is no light down there, my skin would go pasty in no time. I need to keep my dewy glow to stay pretty. Mummy says I need to be pretty if I want to be famous," he earnestly explained.

"But you won't always be pretty," the Hat whispered in his ear.

"What?" came Gilderoy's panicked reply.

"Oh no. In only a few short years something magical will happen," the Hat whispered in an ominous tone.

"What?" came Gilderoy's terrified reply.

"Puberty. Yes, my dear boy, you will grow lanky, develop pus filled spots that will scar your face, and then..."

"Yes? What?" Gilderoy asked, not wanting to hear what was going to come next.

"Your hair will become uncontrollably greasy."

Gilderoy started to whimper, "But my hair... Mummy always says she loved my hair."

"Yes, well as soon young enter teenagedom, you and your mother will suddenly have nothing in common. You will hate your mother, and your mother will regret you ever grew up, wishing you had stayed cute forever," the Hat hissed spitefully into his ear. No one comments on it's state of cleanliness, and gets away with it.

Gilderoy let out a quiet sniff.

"Oh dear. Poor child. Crying?" the Hat in an unsympathetic voice.

"No, I just got a bit of dust in my eye," Gilderoy mumbled.

"Uh-huh..." the Hat grunted, not believing him for a second, "Well, I guess the best place for you now is the yellow halls..."

"Wait, did you say yellow?" came the slightly watery voice of Gilderoy.

"Yes, yes I believe I did", the Hat replied, looking forward to what Gilderoy would say next.

"But I can't be in a house with yellow colours, it would do nothing for me. I would just look washed out," Gilderoy said, regaining a little confidence. His skin tone was one thing he was sure about in life.

"But you don't even know what house I was going to say."

"Doesn't matter, they have yellow house colours, I don't like it," Gilderoy said firmly.

"Well, they do like to work hard in Hufflepuff, and I'm not seeing a lot of motivation to work hard in here," the Hat muttered to itself, "But there is potential for some smarts. Yes, I think this might work for you, you vain little child. How does blue sound?"

"Ooh, perfect! Blue is a perfect compliment for my skin tone."

"Right... RAVENCLAW!" the Hat announced to the waiting masses.

Gilderoy gratefully took the Hat off and walked over to his new House.

Huh, call it dirty? That could have been a nice quick sorting, but he brought it on himself. Although it was fun...


	16. Bellatrix Black

**A/N: **Ok, so I'm crap at this but here we are. Summer, no job, so I'm going to set a goal of doing at least some writing every day. So many people wanted to see this one, so here you are. What I do next is up to you. I have a running count on my bio page, so if you want a certain character next leave a review, and then the most popular... well you get the idea. I have no idea if I like what I've written, I know I liked the original concept...

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**Bellatrix Black**

1st September 1962

"Black, Bellatrix!"

The confident, haughty girl strode up to the stool. She knew the drill. She had been waiting for this moment ever since she had first heard about Hogwarts. Everyone in the hall in front of her seemed to relax as she sat down on the stool, as if they knew just as well as she did where she was going to end up. This was going to be a quick sorting.

Bellatrix waited for the intake of breath. Yes, there it was. And then waited for the inevitable, long awaited...

"I'm sorry we're full up."

"What!?!" Bellatrix screeched.

"Oh my, those are quite a pair of lungs you have there young lady", the Hat mused, while wishing it had ears to rub, and the ability to rub them.

"What do you mean you're full up? I'm only the fourth person to be sorted. When my father hears about this..." Bellatrix started.

"Oh how original, a spoilt pure-blood threatening me with their father. It never fails to happen. You know life is funny like that. You would think that maybe something knew would happen every year, but in the end it's basically the same old thing. For instance..." the Hat rambled on.

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"Life" the Hat sighed.

"Stupid old magical artefacts" Bellatrix muttered.

The Hat decided to ignore that, it was too easy. It usually left that kind of thing to later until on in the alphabet, at least until the Cs.

"So anyway, as I was saying Slytherin is all filled up..."

"Wait, you mean Hogwarts isn't full, but Slytherin is?"

"Yes, well you see last year's group were quite a cunning group, and so um... well you see there's no room in Slytherin this year..." the Hat tried to explain.

"But Slytherin..., Slytherin, is my birth right, I can't go anywhere else..." Bellatrix spluttered.

"Yadda, yadda, yadda" the Hat interrupted, "Yes my dear I've heard it all before, but the fact of the matter is that there is no room for you in Slytherin. Now there are three other houses, one of which I will sort you into."

"No you won't. You won't sort me into any house but Slytherin" the eleven year old said stubbornly, for all intents and purposes, putting her foot down.

"Now, now, there's no need to be uppity about it", the Hat soothed.

"But I'm a Black. Blacks are always in Slytherin."

"Yes, so Phineas has always reminded me," the Hat muttered, "But why not buck the trend. Start a new trend so to speak."

"Don't want to" Bellatrix huffed.

"Quite. Well you seem to loyal, to um, certain things. And to a certain extent you seem you would work hard for the right, um... ah... cause so to speak," the Hat pondered, "I wonder... yes, that would be very interesting..."

"What would be interesting?" Bellatrix asked, out of annoyance rather than interest.

"I think I might have found the perfect house for you Miss. Black."

"Slytherin?"

"Well the second best house," the Hat conceded, "Yes, loyal and hard working, my dear child you would be a perfect HU..."

"NOOOO!!!" Bellatrix screeched.

"Yes, quite powerful..." the Hat muttered.

"I cannot be a Hufflepuff. Hufflepuffs are common. They let mudbloods into Hufflepuff," the Hat coughed slightly at this, "I am not going into Hufflepuff and associating myself with those sort of people" Bellatrix said determinedly.

"Right." the Hat said tartly, "We wouldn't want you to mix with others I suppose."

"Exactly. I am a Black" Bellatrix said haughtily, "I should be with those of similar distinction."

"Okay then, well I guess it wouldn't be fair to put you anywhere else would it?" the Hat mused to itself, "I guess I could squeeze one more into SLYTHERIN!"

As the Hat announced it's "decision" to the Great Hall, Bellatrix gave a satisfied sniff, took off the Hat and went to join her "birth right".

One day, the Hat thought to itself, one day it would not sort a Black into Slytherin, and how it would laugh then. Oh yes, how it would laugh in Phineas' face... The hat considered that to have been the practice run, but one day...


End file.
